I feel like everyone reading this is going to think, “this is all she talks about”, or “does she want us to throw her a pity party?”. That really is not why I’m writing. I’m writing because it is therapeutic, because I want to remember, and because I would love if someone in my situation one day read this blog and realized that they were not alone.
Today I was looking back at old facebook messages, and I saw one that I had sent to a friend about how excited I was to hopefully hold a full term baby last November. I had so much hope that things would be different than my pregnancy with Samuel. I begged God to do this one thing my way. Literally begged. While I am so grateful that Samuel is so healthy and strong and perfect, this time I wanted to avoid an emergency c-section and a NICU stay if at all possible. I mean, why not? Everybody else I know has perfect pregnancies, full term normal deliveries, and gets to take their baby home with them a day or two later to show off to everyone. Why not me?
I still don’t have an answer to that. I don’t have an answer to why I had to show off all two pounds of my babies in an incubator. Why I had to wait 24+ hours to see and touch them. Why I had to wait nearly a week to hold them. Why I had to sit helplessly by while they stopped breathing on their own and I was so afraid that they were going to die.
I thought that after a few months I would feel somehow better or okay, but I don’t. I still feel really raw and emotional about it all. I’m not angry at God or feel that He has wronged me in any way. God doesn’t “owe” me anything. He has preserved the lives of my two perfect children. I just wish I understood the “why’s”. I wish I understood His plans and purposes in all of this pain. I expect that I will never know. And though it doesn’t make it hurt any less, I have to trust more. Trust that God wants the very best for me. Trust that in the end, His way is far better than mine. Trust that He can be seen and glorified in my life through this situation. Trust that His grace is sufficient.